Fun Topics...Pregnancy!

So let's back up a little...preconception...because last year about this time I was frantically perusing the Internets for all and any info I could scrap up before my little bundle of joy was born into this world of Mayhem. WELL if you weren't already so tired you could bust out a nap at any time/day looking at all the posts/blogs/online books will put you into a coma...and leave you with some very conflicting advice. So for me being pregnant was pretty easy I have to say after hearing horror story after horror story of others...no massive vomiting while driving down a highway..no jabs in the bladder that made me pee my pants...so what plagued me the most was the NEVER ENDING advice from every Tom, Dick, and Sally...Tom, Harry, Susie? You get my drift...and every article was the same and every conversation was the same
1. Get your sleep while you can.
2. Eat up; you are making a person.
3. Any names yet?
4. Do you have a birth plan?

"Get your sleep while you can"...are they for real with this one? I found it VERY difficult to sleep when I was a good 30-45lbs heavier than normal, had excruciating hip and pelvic pain and top that off with the urge to pee every 20 minutes and that my friends equals NO SLEEP FOREVER. Which is my eyes is totally fine, hey it's preparing you...let's say you found glorious sleep your whole pregnancy, always had that "glow" about you...fast forward and your little bundle of joy is up every 2-3hours to eat/poop/projectile vomit ya know the cute stuff :) I'm pretty sure we would all just drop dead, just find a hole somewhere jump in it and bury ourselves. However, since most of us don't have that; the last few weeks/months you may become a walking zombie..and hey it's cool because at least you are past that "I'm not fat I'm pregnant" phase and maybe people will start helping you out! And just take it, if you Mother In-Law wants to come over and pick up dog poop for you, have her do it, if your Brother wants to scrub the floors, have at it, you will not get these offers forever, so put up your feet, grab a cold one (water) and watch the magic of being pregnant work, you are MAKING a child..if that's not enough to go take a nap whenever you damn well feel like it then you need to switch out your circle of friends my lovelies.

The notion that while being pregnant you can eat your little heart out..I think the only time in my life I couldn't eat my little heart out was when I was pregnant. HELLO heartburn! O I had 1 little tomato in my salad? Prepare not to sleep at ALL tonight! It's like little evil villains are in your meals..."are you going to eat me and pay the price?" Then things that bothered you one week will not bother you the next so you think you are in the clear and you try it again and POW you thought wrong bitch! Perfect example..here is me at Baconfest 2013 I think I was 6 or 7mo pregnant, sorry it is so blurry, Matt was losing it with all the baconess...best time EVER but boy did I pay..and there are no chairs at this thing...like none, I made my husband get on his hands and knees so I could sit on his back..he's a good guy :) btw that's his beer, I knew what you were thinking!

Names, Names, such a fricken HUGE decision, this little person is going to have this name for the rest of its' child/adult life...make sure it sounds good enough for a resume but can be cute when they are little...here are the Top Ten of 2013. Do I want a Top Ten? So after countless nights and baby name books ( a little side note some babybooks are CRAP, names like Dog and Toilet...um I don't think so, here's the one I really enjoyed: Baby Names Almanac 2013 by Emily Larson   ) you FINALLY pick one...now...do you tell people- is the next huge fricken deal...seriously why does this have to be so hard? My advice is if you don't want to hear advice from others DON'T TELL! As soon as you have found that perfect name someone will let you know 'matter of a fact-ly' that a dude with that name slaughtered 24 people and buried them in his backyard circa 1920. O thanks, I hadn't thought of the mass murdered back in the 20's. I'm sure glad you brought that up! Doesn't matter if it's a family name or what you will hear all the things you really shouldn't just simply because people don't know what to say which is weird, just say GREAT! And if you tell people you don't know yet...another 'no-no' then they want to help you! O how about Persey...how about Hansel...no, no no. Another reason why I didn't want to announce it until he was born was because like 5 of our friends were all pregnant at the same time...I really didn't want someone to pass up naming their kid the name we chose just because I was due before them because I KNOW how hard it is to pick a name and if we had to go back to the drawing board I might have lost the last 3 hairs I had on my head.

Last but not least the blessed birth plan...I really would like to know if any of you had one and if it worked out for you..I feel like this is sorta a waste of time. Now if they could put you in a room and hook you up to electrodes so you could experience labor pains before going into labor then maybe you might have a better chance of living out your birthing plan..but in the heat of the moment when your asshole is going to split in two and there's 45 people in your room and your Husband looks like he's going to lose it...might not be the best idea to point out that this isn't part of the birthing plan. So I suggest not asking this question because in reality we all have an idea of the perfect birth and what we want...now does that really happen? Hmm maybe 1/10?

 Here's some things you can ask to someone who is pregnant...or at least I didn't mind them :)
"how are you feeling" - and I was brutally honest with this one..."well my hips and pelvis are separating more and more each day so it's like a Saw Movie in my pants"
"can I help you" - and even if they say "NO" you force that shit and help them..I HATED asking my mom to come clean my house...but I also HATED looking at my house covered in dog hair and she didn't mind at all...so it's a win-win you just have to accept the defeat. My advice, get a housekeeper..just for a few weeks until you can open your eyelids again.
And cook some damn meals for these preggars bitches...that's what we want and need...and no you can't see the baby...just really make the food, wrap it up, provide instructions and leave...we can schedule a day where I actually put regular clothes on and shower some other time :)
So how did I do...leave anything out? Did you find this helpful in any way?

-Candace
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