Sippy Cup... Say What?!

After going for Drews’ 6mo Checkup the doctor tells me that we can start introducing a sippy cup… Say What?! He’s like almost 7mo old and we have to do that already?! This is going way too fast for me now…the first 8 weeks I wanted to kill myself but now since he is much funner…yea I said funner who cares this is a blog..it seems like time is flying by. You mean to tell me there will be a day when I don’t put him in my arms to give him a bottle?? O man I am ALREADY emotional thinking about it. It’s crazy how quickly they change, I remember coming home with that bundle of “joy” why do they call it that? There is no joy to be had the first few weeks, call me crazy but you are a hot mess and while the Hospital helps you out by just repeating “breast is best” they kinda don’t touch on a lot of the “other” stuff. Thank god one of the nurses showed me how to give him a sponge bath because I wouldn’t have known where to start…o that’s how you get the back? And your “exit interview” consists pretty much of perineal care…something that is so fricken scary you are like “I have to worry about this and the baby?!” It might be a little easier for those of you who didn’t have to have an episiotomy but by my lucky stars it was like a 20 minute episode every time I had to go to the bathroom. And those pads that they give you…I mean more like Depends because they are gigantic…I felt like a personal life preserver…if this house floods we will be OK! Then the blessed squirt bottle…o but make sure you use ‘warm’ water…I got lazy one of the zombie days and just said fuck it…filled it up right out of the faucet…YIKES!!! That shit is fricken cold! Hello I am awake now! So you have to sit there and let the water warm up, fill your bottle, do your business. Spray the anesthetic up there, get your GI-normous pad, put those damn witch hazel circles on there and somehow get that all up to your business. O and if you are lucky for the first few days you also have to attach an icepack on the bottom of the pad. So if you felt like you waddled before..o hell no, now you have like 5lbs of junk hanging from your undercarriage. And that shit takes forever to heal..o 6 weeks without sex? How about years..yea that’s when I think everything will be tip top again…sorry husband time to subscribe to some Hustler for ya!

While in the Hospital everything is pretty much a blur of Nurses checking on you what feels like every 10 minutes, your baby pretty much sleeping the whole time, them taking your baby for tests and maybe like an hour of sleep every night because of all that mentioned above. I wanted to get out of that damn prison as soon as possible. The only saving grace was when family would visit and bring you food from the outside world because the hospital food is no bueno! I ate so much food after giving birth it was crazy…well you pretty much run a marathon and I hadn’t eaten since dinner the day before, then woke up at midnight, got to the hospital at 3am and started pushing at 12pm and Drew was born at 3pm. Talk about missing some meals AND working your fricken ass off, I was planning on losing a ton of weight since I pretty much exhausted every muscle in my body…pulling on those damn bars for 3 hours and then they hand you the most precious, breakable thing in the world and I am supposed to hold this thing with my jelly arms?? I need a fricken nap and a massage afterwards, holy hell how do people do this who haven’t worked out a day in their life. I know I am not in GREAT shape but I worked out probably 2-3 times a week, doing zumba, or biggest loser xbox or even getting on the elliptical for a little bit. WELL you know what my doc tells me when she made the decision to give me the episiotomy. “you have a lot of muscle down there so it makes it harder to give birth” UMM what? And by down there WTF do you mean…I don’t remember that being a core muscle group when I got my results from the workout…jeez laweez THANKS a lot! At that point she could have told me that I would have to clean out all the bedpans on the floor to have the baby and I would have done it, after 3 hours there wasn’t much I wouldn’t do to have him.. I can’t imagine the women that are pushing for longer. I. Just. Cant. I was very lucky with my labor and delivery nurses, they were DA BOMB. Sooo nice to me, coached me, told me I was doing good..who really knows. But that’s probably the best thing they can say to you…YEA please pump up my ego cuz I am about to lose it! The other nurses I had throughout my vaca at the prison…not so much. One in particular didn’t want us to go home…she kept saying things like “don’t you want to have lunch before you go” or “well you are cleared but Andrew isn’t” WHAT does that mean?! And what do I need to do to change that. Yea I’ll just go home and leave him here with you guys if that’s cool…not like I need to be around something that I carried for 9months anyway! WELL little did I know that if your little he/she isn’t scarfing down food and by that I mean breastfeeding for at least 10min per side or drinking a good amount of formula they will prolong your stay and this is EVEN IF he is pooping and peeing on a regular basis and isn’t screaming his/her brains out. But do they tell you this? NO WAY they want to bill the shit out of your insurance for another day so why would they? Man…after failed attempts at breastfeeding…that’s a whole Other story I gave him some formula so we could get out there! Finally after he started eating more regularly they finally let us go on day 3…3 days for a natural birth.. WTF. I mean the kid was just born give him a break! I probably wouldn’t want to eat either! So needless to say I wasn’t exactly thrilled about my extended stay at the hospital so coming home was like a breath of fresh air. I envy those women who do homebirths..they are so brave and it must just feel so great to snuggle in your own bed with that baby after he/she is born. Hopefully if we decide to have another I will have more of a clue on what is going on!
Any horror stories from my audience??

~Candace